This hit hard, timing is everything I suppose. Our family just lost a long time family friend this week. On her doctors advice she kept a journal, given to my sister by LE at the scene, and it detailed emotional tailspins that were so well masked it gives me chills. She felt she was a burden, that she had no value, and with some chronic (but not terminal) conditions, her body was failing her. Unbeknownst to anyone, she was also experiencing financial difficulties. She began falling apart, so quietly and meekly as not to inconvenience anyone and become even more of a “burden”, until one day she could only see one way out of her pain and despair.
And that’s the part that haunts me the most. That she died believing that no one cared. No notes, I believe she felt there was no need for a note, no one would need the closure or consolation a note would bring. Had we known what she was feeling, we could have assured her she was loved and valued. Not just assumed that she knew it. We couldn’t have taken away the physical pain she was enduring, or treated her insomnia, but we could have helped her financially, and emotionally, and maybe buoying her in those areas would have kept her afloat long enough for the others to get better...
I know I’ve been rambling, all of this is to basically say please don’t EVER stop writing and talking and shouting your truth from the rooftops, Tony. If you are feeling like a “burden”, do what you just did and *say* it, so you give those who care about you the opportunity to let you know that you are completely fucking wrong!
Tony, this is such a genuine, open-hearted, brave post... but that is who you are, have always been. It is a honor to be a subscriber, read your words, thank you and respect. So much respect.
And, coming from my 76 year-old lifetime obsessive Red Sox fan and husband, and from baseball lightweight me, your Rays are having a season for the baseball ages (jealous much? when you look at the Fenway scoreboard, the only thing lower than us is dirt). Enjoy the ride! The AL East remains a fearsome division.
You brightened my day by sharing that your daughter liked MLB in person😊 My dad was a big baseball fan and I just didn't get it when I was growing up. It rated right up with golf and bowling on TV. I chose hockey as my sport back when Bobby Orr was a big deal. As an adult, I watched my dad play softball in a senior league and realized he was a good athlete who could play shortstop. Then I started watching Mariners when Ken Griffey Jr and A-Rod were players. I was hooked.
Depression is real and oh so cruel. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Geez, Tony. I could have written this one. I'm the one who lends a hand when someone needs it but when The Monster roars (our term for depression), the last thing I want to do is inflict its chaos on anyone else. It's taken so much effort to be able to share it when its whispers are their loudest.
You continue to be an inspiration. Never forget that.
I love your writing and your artwork Tony. I treasure the “play your fucking cello” cartoon you made me. I hope your depression lifts soon.
This hit hard, timing is everything I suppose. Our family just lost a long time family friend this week. On her doctors advice she kept a journal, given to my sister by LE at the scene, and it detailed emotional tailspins that were so well masked it gives me chills. She felt she was a burden, that she had no value, and with some chronic (but not terminal) conditions, her body was failing her. Unbeknownst to anyone, she was also experiencing financial difficulties. She began falling apart, so quietly and meekly as not to inconvenience anyone and become even more of a “burden”, until one day she could only see one way out of her pain and despair.
And that’s the part that haunts me the most. That she died believing that no one cared. No notes, I believe she felt there was no need for a note, no one would need the closure or consolation a note would bring. Had we known what she was feeling, we could have assured her she was loved and valued. Not just assumed that she knew it. We couldn’t have taken away the physical pain she was enduring, or treated her insomnia, but we could have helped her financially, and emotionally, and maybe buoying her in those areas would have kept her afloat long enough for the others to get better...
I know I’ve been rambling, all of this is to basically say please don’t EVER stop writing and talking and shouting your truth from the rooftops, Tony. If you are feeling like a “burden”, do what you just did and *say* it, so you give those who care about you the opportunity to let you know that you are completely fucking wrong!
Tony, this is such a genuine, open-hearted, brave post... but that is who you are, have always been. It is a honor to be a subscriber, read your words, thank you and respect. So much respect.
And, coming from my 76 year-old lifetime obsessive Red Sox fan and husband, and from baseball lightweight me, your Rays are having a season for the baseball ages (jealous much? when you look at the Fenway scoreboard, the only thing lower than us is dirt). Enjoy the ride! The AL East remains a fearsome division.
You brightened my day by sharing that your daughter liked MLB in person😊 My dad was a big baseball fan and I just didn't get it when I was growing up. It rated right up with golf and bowling on TV. I chose hockey as my sport back when Bobby Orr was a big deal. As an adult, I watched my dad play softball in a senior league and realized he was a good athlete who could play shortstop. Then I started watching Mariners when Ken Griffey Jr and A-Rod were players. I was hooked.
Depression is real and oh so cruel. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Geez, Tony. I could have written this one. I'm the one who lends a hand when someone needs it but when The Monster roars (our term for depression), the last thing I want to do is inflict its chaos on anyone else. It's taken so much effort to be able to share it when its whispers are their loudest.
You continue to be an inspiration. Never forget that.