Feeling Like A Burden

So I have not really updated all of you for a week. This last week was a busy and a tough one but I do not think it could have ended any better. My son’s birthday was this weekend and it went extremely well. He got the bat that he wanted, some Stinger String King Marucci Louisville Slugger Drop 3 BBCORE Blah Blah Blah. He is not a kid who cares about clothes or shoes or electronics other than the basics. he likes bats. He has asked for a bat every year for three years. And it brings him joy to hit with it.

We also went to a couple of Rays games this weekend.

There we are on Saturday watching batting practice before the game. Not my greatest picture but still thrilled I am down 150 pounds since last year. See those stairs. There were a breeze to go up and down!

Here are my kids meeting Vidal Brujan, which is one of my favorite Rays. My daughter was skeptical about going because she only knew bad varsity games that are boring. I told her she will fall in love with baseball when she watches a real game. And I was right. Randy Arozarena is here favorite player and I can’t blame her. The whole family still loves Yandy Diaz.

And we saw a win and a loss. It was a great time. I have a lot of people to thank for that. A special person was instrumental and so many of you that are paid subscribers to my Substack, have bought art and cards were huge in making a weekend special. I am big on birthdays, so it was great.

One of the worst parts about depression is feeling like a burden. It is feeling like you bring others down and they would be better off without you. This is obviously not true, but nothing is obvious when depression is involved. If depression tells you 2+2=Pickle, then it does.

So for years, I helped others monetarily. When I ran a car dealership, it would be a daily occurrence that someone would come into my office and tell me their troubles and I could fix with money. When you have money, it is something that is an easy fix to help someone.

I helped so many people. It was just something that came easy. I had money, so obviously I give to others in need. I thought it was known.

There was a guy who I helped every week. Older guy. Not sure if he had a gambling problem or drinking or what, but he was a great worker, and he got what he needed.

So when I lost everything, I was in a whole new world. Instead of the giver, I was asking. Even posting about art and cards for sale or promoting is asking. And it is humbling and makes you feel like shit. I hope I never made anyone feel that way when I gave.

The guy that I helped every week got an inheritance of 4.6 million. All at once. And when I asked him for help, when my family needed me the most, he declined.

I hate feeling like a burden. It does not just have to be able money. I hate that feeling of bringing someone down. Or just thinking this world is better without me. Depression does that a lot which is truly the scariest fucking thing. I do not ever want to believe it. And when I do more and more, I know I need to get some things adjusted.

I have been through two business, a pandemic, family issues, medication issues, harassment, and I am still standing. 150 pounds lighter as well. I am slowly getting things in order and I am thankful for it. I try to give people what I can also which is an honest insight into a vulnerable person. I have shared my life online for 15 years. You know way more about me that I know about you. There is no benefit to that. But if you feel like something I said helped comfort you, then it is worth it.

I feel bad for those who deal with depression but also those who live with someone dealing with depression that feels helpless. Like they can’t fix it although they would do anything to do so.

One of the hardest things I learned, and I struggle with this every minute of every day, is to ask for help. Advice, money, love…whatever it is. But it is necessary.

So just know if I am not a burden, although I have felt like one lately, neither are you.

And I swear I am working every single day to be a better me. Not just for me, but everyone around me.

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