Not Okay Today And No Clue Why
So I’m going to be honest, I am very anxious today, I thought that’s all it was and then depression started hitting me an hour ago. I’m kind of a mix of angry and sad and scared and everything.
Here is the thing. I have no clue why. Like none. Life is better today than it has been for probably 10 years. It’s definitely better than it’s been for the past three years and my God the things I worry about are nothing compared to what I had to worry about even a month ago. But I have no clue why I feel this way. None.
Realistically, if you asked me about how everything was going and I sat down and thought about it I would tell you exactly how good everything is. Sports card selling is doing extremely well because I’m pushing really hard to get people what they want. I haven’t done art sales in a while because I’ve had a few bad experiences. It’s crazy how some people devalue my time and my product. It’s not even about the money as much as the reaction or words. But I do think I’m going to start slowly incorporating it to people that I’ve done it for in the past. Especially with me getting a little more focused in politics.
With school coming up my kids are doing extremely well.
So when I tell you that I have nothing to really be upset or worried or nervous about, I mean it. Even financially, I can actually look at my bank account for the first time since the pandemic and not tear up. I never looked for jumping for joy, I just need to sleep knowing I will have power and food. I can do that now.
And that’s what I really hate about depression and anxiety. I truly hate what it does to me and how it makes me feel. And it’s not warranted. I appreciate you reading this today but this isn’t for you. I’m writing this because this is for me to see where I really am at, and why I know I need to feel Completely different than I do right now.
but I’m gonna keep on going.
It’s all I can do.
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I’m sober since 1985, and some days things just feel “off”. Like I’m sad, angry or bleh. The good news is I’ve had experience with feeling like this, and I really know that’s everything is going to be ok, because it’s already ok. I just forget.
We have a belief in the country (because capitalism) that if we don’t like the way we feel we HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. Some of the people I respect the most have told me that feelings aren’t facts, but they sure ain’t fiction. And I know that if I’m overwhelmed, I need to give myself a break and just feel gross for a bit. Read a book, or some comics, take a walk, and be gentle and kind to yourself. The feelings will pass, and tomorrow is a new day. ❤️ Take care of yourself the way those who love would.
There’s a reason we gain weight. It’s not self control. Or genetics (yes it plays a part). We are depressed. Or anxious. Or addicts. Or something that we sooth with food. Take the food away but the issue is still there. You’re amazing Tony. Hang in there. You are an inspiration with the weight loss AND your honesty.