Two Sides To Losing 140 Pounds

After nine months of really focusing on my health, I have now lost 140 pounds. I am now much closer to my goal than my highest weight. I tracked my food, I worked out, I did the things that I was supposed to do. And I made sacrifices. I am a food addict and one thing about addiction is you cannot substitute an addiction for nothing. So I have focused more on my family, art, and sports cards. So trying to be more positive as well. I smile more. I am not miserable. My depression is there but not nearly as bad. I…I guess you can say I feel human again.

The thing is, with me, I also focus on the other side.

The other side of this is I should have never gotten to 470 pounds. I should have done something when I was 350, 375, or even 400 pounds. I should have looked in the mirror at myself and want to change. But I did not. I kept going. I could not put on socks. I could not fasten a seatbelt. Going to the bathroom was a huge struggle. I had to pause going up the stairs. No one could put their arms around me to hug me. I was always out of breath. My back constantly hurt. Yet with all of this, I kept eating. I did not stop.

I know there is more to my obesity than just the food. Depression plays a factor. So does anxiety. But it is not a fair excuse. I should have gone to have my meds changed or spoke to a therapist instead of medicating myself with food. And it is not fair to my kids or my loved ones. It is not fair to me. We all deserved better. But I was selfish. And that is not okay.

The one thing I have to do, and I am so bad about it, is to let go of the past. I hold grudges and can’t let them go. I have to remember the past but I cannot beat myself up about it. I cannot keep dwelling on what was. I can’t forget that either. I cannot forget the feeling of being unable to button pants or sit in a booth or buckle a seat belt. I can’t think about it every day, but it has to be there in my mind.

I still battle depression. My anxiety is there but I have been able to keep busy so it kind of takes a backseat to everything else. But I am happy. I truly am. I sometimes have to think about it because of the lies of depression, but I can finally say after four grueling years of stress, bad people, overeating, and financial issues…I am happy.

And I am proud of myself. Not just for the weight loss. But because I am finally seeing the beauty of life that has always been there.

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