The Shirt That Finally Fit
When you are morbidly obese, style does not come into play. At least it did not for me. I would wear my old clothes until one day they did not fit and had to get something new. That is the weird thing for me about gaining weight. Normal things just stop being normal in an instant, and that is demoralizing. When you have to reject a booth because you can’t fit. When you have to go to a special store to buy clothes. When you can’t wipe your ass sitting down anymore. When you are out of breath for not reason.
There are worse things in life than being fat. I am going to start with that disclaimer because I learned that no matter how bad I have it, someone has it worse. But that does not make me feel any better for my misery. Being fat sucks. All of it. Every part of it. You are taken less seriously. People find you wearer than most. You feel awkward in most situations. This is all describing me.
The worst part is I forget how bad being fat is. Food takes over. And not even good food. It is not like I am choosing food made by the top chefs in the world over health. I am talking about Little Caesars. A stale box of Winn-Dixie cookies. A Taco Bell burrito. I love Taco Bell. It is the worst and best thing in the world. And the funniest part about it is they always come up with new menu items that are basically all the same.
But when I sit and think about it, food isn’t worth this. It isn’t worth losing respect from people. It isn’t worth not fitting in a seat. It isn’t worth being out of breath or taking a ton of medication to be normal because you refuse or cannot eat properly. It is not worth it.
I get that. I know that. Just like most people understand how to lose weight or maintain a weight loss. That is the thing. Weight loss is like failing a test that you have all the answers for. Time and time again. And it is so..so…
Just horrible.
I truly have busted my ass to get healthy over the last few months. There is not a secret or magical way. You just have to want it. That is it. You have to pass on a dessert. You have to drive to the gym. You have to choose life over food.
Keep in mind, I assure you I weighed more than anyone you know. 470 pounds is huge. Like gigantic. Chairs are broken. Seatbelts are not fastened. Pants are elastic. It is not far off from riding a scooter in Walmart. Not at all.
I wish I did not abuse food the way I do. I have not for months and I will tell you I will not again, but I have made that promise before. I will just tell you that I will take this one day at a time with you here with me. Good things are coming soon here. I have been on this journey before. You did not have to deal with the shit part of it. Now you get the fun part. The part where you can see the progress.
So why am I writing this? Well, I am definitely not a fashionista. Far from it. I think my whole life I missed every trend by a few years. I wore Members Only jackets when others did not, and wore K-Swiss shoes when few did. I think the only time I wore clothes when they were in style was a few years back when I would only wear Under Armour and Nike clothes. I do not know if those really go out of style, but Under Armour is a little off for me now. I do not mind how patriotic they are, I just like small logos on a shirt.
But yesterday I went to my closet. And in the back of it was a brown box that says ‘OLD CLOTHES.” I have not been in this box for three years. I went in and pulled a couple of shirts out. And I put one on.
It fit.
I have bad anxiety and I struggle with change in general. I am having a hard time with selling art and cards and pushing myself to share my story every day.
But putting on that shirt makes every sacrifice I have made recently worth it.
Because I feel like I am getting my life back.
And I am.
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