I hate Miracle Whip. Like really hate it.
I hate everything about it. I hate the smell, I hate the packaging, I hate the person who runs their Twitter (Who blocked me being the only person in history to be blocked by Miracle Whip), and God do I hate the taste.
I do not truly understand why Miracle Whip exists. I understand Mayonnaise. Mayo is simple. It is oil and eggs mixed together. You would get different flavors based on the oil you use, but in general, most tastes similar. Now, of course when a company mass produces it, they add more chemicals. Some sugars and preservatives and whatever. But the main ingredients is oil and eggs.
Kraft makes Mayonnaise. It has for years. Then one day, some dumb motherfucker came up with a plan. They wanted to revolutionize Mayonnaise. They went to a meeting room 1933 and said “I propose we introduce this disgusting fucking blend of shit for the Chicago fair. We can put it on everything and make it taste like a sour blend of feces!*”
* I am not sure this is how it happened. I am merely guessing because I do not want the real story and this is a little more interesting than how it probably came about.
And Miracle Whip was born. And people decided to pay MORE for it than Mayo to mix with tuna and put on sandwiches.
And I do not understand why.
Maybe its because there are days I feel like a failure. I feel like everything I do is wrong. Yet, there is a man who lives in a big zesty fucking mansion because he invented Miracle Whip. And that angers me a lot.
Miracle whip is gross on everything. There is no scenario where it is good. And I have thought about this. I have stayed up all night with a chalkboard and formulas like Good Will Hunting praying to be proven wrong. But I am not.
Miracle Whip is disgusting.
And you learn a lot from someone who truly likes it. I love the battles people will fight for. And it humors me when someone fights for the tangy zip of chemicals I cannot even pronounce. Its not Mayo. It tries to be no matter what people say. And its not a dressing. Its fucking gross.
And one day I told Miracle Whip on Twitter that it was disgusting. And instead of defending themselves, they blocked me. THEY BLOCKED ME! They cannot even defend their disgusting flavor.
And sadly there are Miracle Whip truthers.
“I grew up on it when I was a kid!” is one I heard. Are you kidding me? What in the wild word of child abuse is it to grow up on Miracle Whip! Granted, it was in my fridge when I was a kid and didn’t have any say about the contents of the refrigerator. But even then I fucking said no. I think there was a debate from some weird ben Shapiro sibling about wanting to be Nancy Reagan or Madonna. I just don’t want to be around Miracle Whip. Is that too much to ask? And if you grew up on Miracle Whip, shame on you. SHAME ON YOUR PARENTS! SHAME!
Sorry, caps lock got stuck.
Anyway, I hate Miracle Whip. I always have and always will. And it is hard to love people who enjoy it.
But luckily, I am a fantastic person and I can put it past some wonderful people.
Now lets get into chunky peanut butter…