It's Me, Hi, I'm The Problem, It's Me
Here I am. I decided to take a selfie the other day, and I have not taken one in close to a year.
Sounds crazy because I used to take 500 selfies a day. I would take them at the gym, in front of bathroom mirrors, honestly anywhere I could. I loved it. But it has been so long that I forgot how to do a good one. I should have lifted the camera more. Probable should have smiled. There is no reason the tire of my Equinox should be in this picture. I also should have
When I look at this, I see a man who is exhausted mentally. I remember as a young restaurant manager seeing people like this. Just beat up, not happy, angry. I am looking at someone who has more grey hair than my natural color, which is…wait what is my natural color? I am wearing a hoodie in Florida, which when I was at my best I promised I would not do again. But I have lied to myself. The hoodie is back. It is comfy. It gives me magical powers that I believe hides every imperfection from the world because it is very baggy.
I started writing in 2008. I wrote on a locked blog because I was embarrased about my writing. I opened it up after six months. I did not tell my family about it until a year later. And I shared my first weight loss journey. I lost 221 pounds. If you must know, I did it on Weight Watchers. Well, kind of. That whole points shit is worthless. But in 2008, there were a lof of meetings. And when you go into a room and hear people talk about the same struggles as you, it hits you hard. And I lost weight changing what I ate. Weight Watchers refused to do a story on me because I lost more than two pounds a week and claimed it was irresponsible. So that angered me, and decided to write one that got picked up by Huffington Post and CNN.
And I gained weight since. And lost. Over and over again. I changed careers. Do you ever know what I do now? Probably not. I left restaurants 9 years ago. I have not worked with cars in 6 years and I have not sold art in over two years. Today I am not even remotely the same as I once was.
But like I mentioned in my previous post, I miss things. I miss writing. And I am slowly getting back into it. I miss sharing my thoughts, I miss funny comebacks. And in a very very odd way, I miss taking selfies.
This is me a year ago. I am down over 160 pounds. I feel like a new person. I am learning how life was before. Things you take for granted and new to me. Like putting on socks, tying my shoes, having someone put both arms around me in a hug…those are things I am figuring out again. Am I happy? Yes. I can say under oath for the first time since I can remember that I am. But I am missing something. And that something is here.
I am not going to tell you how I lost weight. There are 5 bazillion ways to do it. Different foods, surgeries, Noom, daily shots, berries from rainforests…I have seen it all in my life. So boring you with moving more and eating less is not on my agenda. But what is on my agenda is the why. Because why why has always helped me become the better person. And while I am the problem in my life, I am also aware I am the solution.
So sit back and I hope you stay with me on this journey. I think you are caught up enough for me to share some things. Expect 4-5 posts a week, all free. Paid subscribers can ask me personal questions via chat and DM along with getting the art I am creating very cheap. And as always, if you like what you see and want to throw a tip, you can here at my Ko-Fi where you can get me a coffee. Thank you for coming on this journey with me.