Hard To Be Happy

I remember a couple of years ago I was telling a friend that I was miserable. I was depressed, nothing seemed to help, the sky was falling every day, and I was truly a mess. He was telling me that everyone is feeling that was because of the political landscape.

What I did not tell him was I felt this was when Obama was president. It did not matter who was president, I was depressed for years. Some of it was justified, most of the time it was not. That is the weird thing about depression. It just will lie.

But sometimes, it also tells the truth. The last few years of my life have been some of the hardest. I have kept a lot in, but when dreams become nightmares, you just feel worthless. When you cannot control life, you feel helpless. Both kept happening over and over again.

I remember a story of being in a hard spot, trying to sell a piece of art, coming to an agreement, and then just finding out someone was trolling me. I remember having a business and then having horrible people around me making decisions, only to lose everything and be at fault. These are reasons to be depressed. And when you are depressed, and it is justified, it is like lighting gasoline on fire.

When I was at my worst, I went to a doctor who prescribed me medication which worked. But when you are in a burning house, it does not good to be the “I’m Fine” dog.

So to start this, 99.99999% of the time, depression and anxiety lie. But sometimes, it will only point out what is happening. This is what happened to me for years.

But recently, maybe the last few months, things have changed. Life is good. I stopped selling art online and moved to sports cards exclusively. I love art and have a few pieces to share this week, but it was really difficult dealing with some people. Sports cards on eBay is easier. But it is going well. My kids are doing well. The meeting I have worried about forever went well. And honestly, I have now lost 175 pounds, but I can move and breathe and I can tie my shoes. Like, every single part of my life is just better.

But it is hard to be happy.

I can quickly tell depression and anxiety they are lying now. Not even a thought. There is not huge debate in my mind. I have enough concrete evidence not to worry about so many things. But being happy? I am trying.

I am trying real hard. Being happy is a weird feeling. Things in my life are going well. Very well. Both kids are doing extremely well in school and their given talents. I am not struggling. I can sleep at night. Life is good.

And my fear is this will all end soon.

And while it is hard to be happy, and I believe the sky will be falling, I know this time it is for real. And nothing in life that is easy is worthwhile.

Happiness, after years of struggling, is hard. I am okay with working on it.