Feeling Guilty For Being Depressed
I remember when I was at my worst in 2018. I keep bring this up in posts because I do not ever want to forget that feeling. I do not want to live it again, but not forget. I do not want to go nights without sleeping, or going to work being threatened or being 470 pounds or hating every breath I took. I am far from that, but I refuse to forget it.
Once day in 2018 I had the worst possible day I have ever had. Feburary 13th to be exact. I know this because it was a Tuesday, which in my world was the day to sell the cars we prepped all week.
Anyway, the day was bad, and when my day was done, I just sat and cried. I remember going on Twitter and telling people how bad my life was. Because I have a large account, i got plenty of comments telling my how their life is worse and I had no right to feel that way. This was also the last time I ever said that on Twitter.
I have so many friends who have had tragedies I cannot even imagine. Someone I consider a best friend lost a son 20 years ago suddenly. I think about this often but would never dare talk to him about it. I have a friend who lost a daughter. I think about this and cannot imagine. So many people have had these horrific tragedies that make me feel absolutely guilty for being depressed.
But I am.
I wish I wasn’t. I have good things going on. My weight loss is strong. I am going to have a weight loss competition that should be fun in a week (more details coming).
My kids are doing well. My son saved and got this new bat and his trainer made the nicest compliment about him. A genuine one. Not a “yeah, you kid is good. Give me $10,000 so I can have him play for the Turbo Power Marucci organization.” My daughter’s passion for music is amazing and she has a chance to play the viola at a higher level.
I have been fortunate enough to get help. Selling art is something I cannot do emotionally at this point. I can’t keep selling art to the same people who only buy to help me. I cannot keep fighting about prices. I have done this for five years. I can’t sell my art on Etsy or Ebay because of political viewpoints. Trust me, I have been taken down. And I do not want to. Not at this point.
Sport cards have been my go to. But again…
I am complaining. Yes, I am in a bad place, but others have it worse. Much worse. I struggle with things but I have a roof over my head. And I feel guilty as shit for feeling the way I do. My life is literally Chutes and Ladders. I am going, going,going…and then fall down. I get up. I mean, sure I am Chumbawamba, but it is just frustrating.
So when I thought I was up, I am down. Do others have it worse. yes. But I also know how I feel.
This is why I have not written anything in a week. Because I feel like shit even writing this. But this is my outlet. This is just a “read this” post without judgement. Which is why I am turning off the comments, a rare moment here.
But I will be okay. I always am. I am just having a vulnerable moment. it doesn’t make me weak. It makes me human. And I would rather share this and see if anyone has ever felt like this than someone feeling alone.
But I will be back next week with a lot of things to talk about. Just today is not my day,.
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