Let me be clear, I really do not enjoy talking about this. I hate that it is something that is a part of my life. I hate that it controls my thoughts and I really really hate that people who do not understand tell me to breath, relax, or go to some class that saved their brother’s cousins friend.
With all of that being said, it is important to me and my future that I keep talking about this.
So lets start with now. I feel good. I have my bad days and I also know when to step away for a little bit to give myself a break. But since I went to the doctor in 2018 and adjusted medication and read a few self help books, I am mentally in the best place I have been in some time.
And I know this can all change tomorrow.
Let’s start with my depression. It isn’t crippling so I am fortunate. It is just defeating. When you keep hearing voices telling you that you are worthless and you don’t matter and no one loves you…well it is a lot. And I can fight it but only for so long. And for the longest time it would just make my mood and days horrible. But I could still function, just was in a bad place. And I do not have any idea what causes the thoughts. 2018 was the worst year I ever had. I can’t really get into it but I can say I was put in a bad situation that consumed my life. And I truly felt it was a situation that was impossible to get out of. Luckily, I was wrong. But I finally went to the doctor after having thoughts I shouldn’t have had and luckily I have not had since. For me, admitting I had depression was hard. It made me feel weak. It is the same with my weight. Someone sees a fat guy and they think they are weak and feeble. Well, the truth is I do not drink or smoke or take anything that is not prescribed. But instead of all of that, I turned to food and would overeat to a point where my body was numb. If you ask me what my favorite food is, I do not have an answer. I just like how it made me feel numb when I ate so much of it….
Okay I am going off subject here. What I am trying to say is that I was depressed when things were good or bad around me. And I needed help and I got it. Everyone needs help differently and I get that. I would NEVER advise someone to take a medication or a class or whatever. I know the average person just cares and wants to help but it does so much more damage than anything else. I wish I could explain the anger I have when people do that. The only thing I would suggest it admitting to yourself you have it and speak to someone who is licensed to help.
Okay now let’s talk about anxiety. I truly have absolutely no clue what triggers it. I used to think it was stressful situations. Like someone yelling or certain phrases. But no, it would just come out of nowhere to hang out with me. And that has been my whole life. And that is crippling. I cannot focus or do anything when I am anxious. I wish breathing or taking a walk would help but they don’t. Art helps. People have so many opinions of my art on every aspect. Some people live by it and some think it is stick figure garbage. I am now okay with all of those opinions. My art is literally just my thoughts. It is a tweet that I put on paper and make it colorful. Are there better artists? Oh God yes. But I also realize that everyone can’t do what I do. And making art and making it for others is such a great and relaxing feeling. Sports cards are the same. I can just look through sports cards and calm down. Those are my hobbies. My kids are my passion. But anxiety I do not have a cure for. I truly deal with it and understand it lies and will tell myself than as many times as I possible can when it happens.
But that is a little insight about me and this part of me is very important to know when I get into my weight loss journey. Because when I am depressed or anxious, I generally have a “I do not give a fuck” attitude and then will eat and eat. It could be worse. It could be alcohol or gambling or street drugs.
Anyway thank you for listening. And than you for subscribing to this and I hope you get a little out of it. I am not putting up a paywall for a while but would love your support by buying me a coffee at this link here or paying for a subscription here.
Thank you for listening!