Chasing Normal

Honestly, I am in an incredibly bad mood. I woke up angry and worried about life today. I guess God just wanted to give me a couple of days where depression did not ruin my day. I hate it. Truly.

But instead of ignoring it, I am going to push through it. I had a post planned today but I will save it for tomorrow. Instead I will talk about how I am physically.

2018 was the worst year of my life. It was so bad that I probably will never fully discuss it online. It just has to do with losing a lot and entrusting others. But since then, I have worked hard to never go back mentally to it. And I was doing well. Well, until the pandemic hit.

The pandemic was bad for so many people. Honestly, it could have been a whole lot worse for me. My business closed, so I focused on sports cards and art. My kids did extremely well in virtual school. No one in my house got the Rona until after the initial lockdown. But I struggled. Selling art and cards is not a whole ton of fun at times. But it kept me going.

I gained a ton of weight. A ton. And after the pandemic, I kept gaining. I had no desire to work out or eat right. None at all.

Last year I decided to get healthy. I needed to for a variety of reasons which have been discussed in the past.

But that is not why I am writing this.

I am chasing normal. Most people do not understand that because you take things for granted, and you should. You can sit in a booth. You can buy a shirt at Target that fits. You can eat at a restaurant and take home leftovers. You can tie your shoes. You can buckle a seatbelt. You can sit in an airplane seat.

For the longest time, these were foreign to me. And when they were, I felt less than human. I could not do what 99% of humans could.

So for the past year, I am truly chasing normal. It is coming to me. Seatbelts are not a problem. Tying my shoes is not hard. I can walk without getting tired. And every single day I am moving closer and closer to normal.

This post was kind of everywhere and not one of my best. But today I am in a shit mood. I am frustrated with my art sales and I am mad at the world. This has nothing to do with you.

But I bought a shirt at Walmart. Not the smallest shirt. But one that fits. After a couple of years of only being able to wear clothes bought online at Big and Tall stores, I was able to quickly buy one.

And I am not normal. Not by a longshot. But today I felt it. And I truly needed to after dealing with the cloud of depression and anxiety that hovered since I woke up.

Thank you so much for reading. Please subscribe for free, consider a paid subscription for extras, or if you could, buy me a coffee here.