Breathing

I really cannot describe or explain to you what it is like to be 475 pounds. I have struggled with my weight my whole life and have successes and failures. I have been skinny, chubby, fat, holy f*ck fat, and morbidly obese. I have been able to live with all.

475 pounds was different.

You really just do not want to do anything. it is hard to get motivated to move. Like you want to do things but then realize what in entails. I am not talking about long journeys. I mean going to get a bottle of water knowing that a flight of stairs is involved. Like going to your son’s baseball game 45 minutes early so you are able to walk to the seats and catch your breath before the game. Like showering. Like really doing anything that takes any sort of physical activity takes much more thought than it should.

At 475, you do not care if you are attractive or worry about any sort of looks. just clothes that fit and hoping you can breathe.

I would be out of breath a lot. For most people, when they exercise, it is normal, then they catch their breath, and move on.

When you are 475 pounds, you are not doing any of that, You are praying you will not die at any moment.

But here is the thing. I kept eating. I do not compare addictions, because I know too many people who have destroyed their life with alcohol and gambling and lost their lives with heroin and OxyContin. But I get the selfishness. And being that heavy is selfish. All addictions are. You do whatever you need to so you can fill it. It does not make someone a bad person. I do not think I am a bad person. but I sure as hell know I would lie about eating right to be able to fill my face with food to have a numbing feeling.

To lose weight, to really accomplish anything big, you have to have a mindset. But more than that, you have to want it more than the addiction. I really hated making decisions based on how far I needed to walk or how I would dress. I really hated how hard everything was. And losing weight is not an easy task at all, and everyone does it differently. When people ask what is the secret, I am like I do not know, tell me. because I want it to be easier lol.

I am down over 170 pounds. I can run. I move. I am not sitting around. Getting water is not a problem. Going to the gym is fun again. Doing things with my son is not a challenge. Life is completely different than it has been for years.

It is better. With my health comes more confidence and changes. Some you know about, some you do not. But you will.

But I thought about this when I was just walking through the grocery store. I would do curbside or delivery. Nope, just walking the aisles.

And when I left, I was not out of breath. I could breathe.

Just a real nice feeling I do not ever want to lose.

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